Young Fegan and the Night Terrors

It was late afternoon by the time they crossed the border, and approaching five when the Camper stopped in a clearing in Carnagh Forest, outside Castleblaney. The boys erected the tent that attached to the van's flank under McGinty's direction. He and Devlin would sleep inside the Volkswagen while the boys shared the tent.

Devlin hiked them through the woods and around the small lakes for almost two hours. The sun had dropped below the treetops by the time they got back to the camp. McGinty had made a fire and boiled water in a billycan. They formed a circle and drank bitter coffee while they toasted bread over the flames. McGinty passed cigarettes around and read passages aloud from Das Kapital, stumbling over the longer words.

Fegan's mind drifted, and tired as he was, he felt a warmth inside. He didn't care about Marx, the words were just empty sounds, but he liked having friends. Patsy Toner, who loved arguing a point, asked why the exploitation of labour mattered to them when the Prods had all the jobs. Fegan joined the rest of the boys in throwing bread crusts at him, and he laughed as hard as any of them when Toner stood picking crumbs from his hair and clothes.

Later, when they lay wrapped in their sleeping bags, Fegan rolled onto his side and spoke to McKenna's darkened shape. "Thanks for bringing me," he said.

McKenna inhaled sharply and lifted his head. "Hmm?"

"Thanks for bringing me," Fegan repeated.

McKenna's eyes reflected the dim orange glow from the fire outside the tent. "Yeah. Go to sleep, Gerry."

Fegan closed his eyes.

Immeasurable time passed before something dragged him to waking. He lay in the dark, blinking. His heart clamoured and his bladder ached. He unzipped the sleeping bag and wriggled out. The cold prickled his skin as he stood up. He hugged his bare, bony limbs. His vest, underpants and socks were his only protection from the night air. He felt a pang of envy for the men in the van, stretched out on comfortable cushions.

Bleary-eyed, he stole a peek through the Volkswagen's window and his bladder almost let go.

A soldier crouched over McGinty's sleeping body. Fegan stood frozen, watching him. How could this be? They were across the border in the South; soldiers couldn't patrol here. How had he gotten into the van? Fegan chanced a look at the driver's door. The lock button was depressed. The only way in was through the tent and the sliding door. Fegan looked to the soldier.

The soldier looked back.

A warm trickle crept down Fegan's thigh before he brought his bladder under control. He thought of his mother's hard hand across his face. He blinked the memory away. He blinked again and the soldier was gone.

"Jesus," Fegan whispered. He stepped up to the glass and pressed his nose against it. McGinty and Devlin were alone in the Volkswagen, their muted snores the only sounds. Fegan turned his head to the boys sleeping on the ground, suddenly fearful of them witnessing his madness. He knew they thought him strange, a loner and a weirdo. Enough of this, he thought. He turned back to the glass.

The soldier stared back at him, just inches away, black streaks of camo paint across his face, his mouth open in a silent scream.

Fegan staggered back and his feet tangled in his sleeping bag. He fell across McKenna, a cry ripping from his throat as he tumbled over flailing limbs. For a few seconds he was lost in the confusion while the boys scrambled from their sleeping bags. Panic gave way to anger and bare feet kicked at Fegan's ribs and thighs while he crawled along the tent wall. The Volkswagen's door rolled open and a torch beam found Fegan huddled in the corner.

"What the fuck's going on?" McGinty asked.

Fegan raised his hands to shield his eyes from the light. He opened his mouth to tell them about the soldier, about the gaping eyes and the silent scream, but his right mind closed it again.

"I tripped," he said. "I needed a piss. I got up and I tripped."

McGinty stooped and bundled up Fegan's sleeping bag. He threw it at him and said, "Well, you can sleep out there tonight. You can piss all you want and not wake anyone else up, you useless shite."